I am remembering a conversation with my 1990 therapist. I was really scared. I had sought help because I recognized the warning signs as I slid into the dark abyss that is depression. A stress induced depression caused by the culture shock of moving from our large comfortable house in a quiet safe neighborhood in Germany and arriving back to find our renter-ruined tiny house in what had become a noisy rude neighborhood. As well as continuing health challenges....
Counselor: why are you so afraid of becoming depressed?
Me: I don't want to mess up or neglect my children while I am feeling so ill.
C: Are you afraid that you are a bad mother?
M: Yes!
C: What is a good mother? Someone who is always healthy? Someone who never makes mistakes? Or someone who really cares about her children and makes an effort to care for them the best that she can?
Me: Yes, someone who really cares.
C: Well, you are here, making the best effort at becoming a better person. Doesn't that make you a good mother?
Me: Yes, I guess so...but what if my depression messes up my kids?
C: Let's say your children inherit your tendency to become depressed when overly stressed. What would you do then?
Me: I'd get them treatment. I would help them until they felt better.
C: So you would do anything to help your children be their best selves?
Me: yes.
C: so you are telling me that you really have nothing to fear. You are going to do your best to care and nurture your children. If at sometime in the future they need extra help or counseling you will get it for them.
Me: yes!!
And so in November when I recognized that a daughter was ill I hurried her to the doctor. Even though it meant driving in Moscow afternoon traffic and a metro ride. Then a few days later when the doctor felt it was best that she get treatment in the states we packed our bags, and headed to the airport, and now 46 days later we are still trying to make the best of each day.
My Husband said, then wrote for me:
My sweetheart,
Be it known to all, especially you, that the period between Thanksgiving 2009 and January 2010 may be the most important work you have ever done as a mother. Your patience, love, sacrifice, and putting your needs behind those of your daughter; your being a strength to her and to me; your pulling her through the most difficult crisis of her life... It may be that in the final judgement, this will be a greater and more meaningful work you have done as a mother than all your other (wonderful) mothering combined.
It may be too soon to tell if what he says is true...I am just hoping for a positive outcome.
email I received:
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post about depression and motherhood. I admire the way that your family has been so strong despite all the intense trials that you have received in the past 2 months. It would be hard to keep your head above water while being constantly bombarded with all the pressure to be an uplifting, untiring, mother for your family. You are doing a great job.
It seems like life sometimes ambushes us with unexpected, undeserved, trials. I appreciated your comments on being a strong mother by being supportive of your kids and being kind and understanding to ourselves.
email I received:
ReplyDeleteFrom what little I know about the situation .... I would tend to agree with [your husband's] assessment. Your daughter is mending, the alternatives could have anything from becoming a non-responsive blob to death. You have not only been a huge factor in her recovery, you were the critical piece to have in place which made getting the correct treatment possible.
P.S. I've got to admit though that when I read transcripts of therapists/patient conversations (in books or this one) I tend to think to myself - having the conversation would drive me nuts! ;-)
Keep up the good work.
John
I am certain one of the reasons Heavenly Father commanded us to have families is because it pushes us, repeatedly, far beyond what we think we could ever handle.
ReplyDeleteHang in there - you are in our thoughts and prayers.