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Friday, September 2, 2011

John Gottman-Predicting Divorce


John Gottman has spent years studying marriages - both marriages that have endured, and marriages that have eventually ended in divorce. He studied marriages with the intent of uncovering the reasons why some marriages work and why other marriages fail.
After studying marriages for 16 years, he has learned to predict which couples will eventually divorce and which will remain married. He can make this prediction based on the ways couples argue, after listening to the couple for just five minutes, with 91% accuracy. He can make these predictions with such a high degree of accuracy because he has discovered which behaviors will lead to a breakup of the marriage. He has pinpointed five signs that a couple will most likely suffer a future break-up.
The First Sign: A Harsh Startup
The first of these signs that will predict divorce is the way the discussion begins, because 96% of the time the way a discussion begins can predict the way it will end. When one partner begins the discussion using a harsh startup, such as being negative, accusatory or using contempt, the discussion is basically doomed to fail. On the other hand, when one partner begins the discussion using a softened startup, the discussion will most likely end on the same positive tone.
The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen
A harsh startup can lead the couple's discussion down a path of negative interaction. This type of negativity can wreak havoc on a marriage. Indeed, there are four types of negative interactions that are so lethal to a marriage that Gottman has labeled them the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse. "Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling" (Gottman et al 27).
The first of the lethal horsemen is criticism. Gottman distinguishes between criticism and complaints, because one partner will always have certain complaints about his or her spouse. Complaining about one's spouse is normal, however, the way one goes about expressing these complaints is most important. The problem arises when complaints turn into criticisms. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism attacks the character of the person. An example of the difference between a complaint and a criticism is the following:
Complaint: "You should have told me earlier that you're too tired to make love. I'm disappointed, and I feel embarrassed."
Criticism: "Why are you so selfish? It was really nasty of you to lead me on. You should have told me earlier that you were too tired to make love."
Criticism is very common in relationships, and when used often, can lead to the second horseman.
The second horseman, contempt, often follows criticism. Criticism can lead to contemptuous comments directed at one's partner. Some examples of contempt are when a person uses "sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye- rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor" (Gottman et al 29). Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen because it communicates disgust to the person it is directed toward. As a result, the conflict escalates. It becomes impossible to solve a problem when the message being sent is that one partner is disgusted with the other.
Typically, when one partner uses contempt, the other partner becomes defensive, which is the third horseman. Becoming defensive is a very common reaction to being treated with contempt. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that it never helps solve the problem at hand. "Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You're saying, in effect, the problem isn't me, it's you" Gottman et al 31). As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further.
The escalating conflict usually leads to one partner tuning out the other, and is the sign that the fourth horseman, stonewalling, has arrived. Usually when the first three horsemen are used in a discussion - criticism, contempt and defensiveness - following a harsh startup, one partner will tune the other partner out.
Stonewalling is more common in men than in women. It is a way for them to avoid the feeling of being flooded that usually occurs when a conflict escalates. The stonewaller tends to ignore his partner and does not give any signs of responsiveness, which makes his spouse even angrier. This behavior tends to enter marriages later, once couples have had a significant period of negative override. "It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable out" (Gottman et al 34). Each of these four horsemen can predict divorce by themselves, but typically they are found together in an unhappy marriage.
The Third Sign: Flooding
The third sign that signals a marriage is headed toward divorce is when one partner becomes flooded. "Flooding means that your spouse's negativity - whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness - is so overwhelming and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked" (Gottman et al 34). Many people protect themselves from feeling flooded by
disengaging, or stonewalling. This emotional disengagement can protect one from these intense feelings of negativity, but as the same time it can also lead to divorce.
The Fourth Sign: Body Language
Physiological changes in the body that coincide with flooding, such as an increased heart rate, the secretion of adrenalin, and an increase in blood pressure, are the fourth sign that enables Gottman to predict divorce. These physiological changes in the body make it impossible to maintain the discussion.
Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it's harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. Creative problem solving goes out the window. You're left with the most reflexive, intellectually sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall) (Gottman et al 37).
A problem solving discussion that leads to one or both partners becoming flooded is doomed to fail. Consequently, their problem cannot be resolved.
The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts
The fifth sign that a marriage is bound to end in divorce is when one partner's attempts at repairing the conflict fails. Repair attempts are efforts made by the couple to deescalate the conflict. The "repair attempt" is the happy couple's secret weapon. This refers to using any method of preventing the negative emotions from spiraling out of control. A repair attempt can be a simple gesture such as a laugh, a smile or an apology; anything that helps the couple ease the tension. However, if one partner is feeling flooded, these repair attempts will be unsuccessful. The flooded partner disengages from the discussion, making repair attempts futile.
The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories
The final sign that divorce is inevitable is when the couple recalls their past life with a negative view. "Couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse often rewrite their past" (Gottman et al 42). Excess negativity leads to a distorted perception that can affect the past, present and future of a relationship.
Interested in learning more about Gottman's Theory? See www.gottman.com
References:
Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Dr. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...And How You Can Make Yours Last

How to Say You are SORRY-Or some things I wish I'd known sooner!


Having been on the receiving end of some really bad apologies.  And wanting to do better at my own apologies I was impressed with this blog.
How To Say You’re Sorry-Dr.Laura
http://drlaura.com/Blog/tabid/281/entryid/9879/Default.aspx
pastedGraphic.pdf
There is an effective way to apologize and an ineffective way.
Here are some ineffective ways:
1. I'm sorry.
That's it. That's it? It's kind of shallow and superficial. If you say "I'm sorry you felt upset," that puts the blame on the injured party. If you say "I'm sorry YOU felt upset," that means you aren't taking responsibility for your actions. That just says you got upset and I'm sorry that you got upset, but it's not my problem!
2. I'm sorry if I did something to offend you.
Ouch. The "if" word is a stab in the heart. It's pretty defensive, and not "owning" it. It's qualifying the apology. Any apology with a qualifier in it is not really an apology.
I particularly remember this one, because I was in a situation where I used this and blew it. I made a terrible mistake early on in my psychotherapy practice. I used this line with a patient. She didn't say anything, but the next week, she came back furious. I guess I was being defensive and didn't realize it. So, even the pros do it.
3. If it will make you feel better, I'm sorry.
Whoa! This one is so insincere that it literally drips insincerity. What you're really saying is "If it will make you feel better (you stupid, weak, annoying idiot), then I'm sorry. Yikes!
4. I'm sorry for whatever I did.
This is one that too many husbands try to use, but then too many wives don't communicate particulars! This one is a bit vague and non-specific.
5. Any and all apologies followed by the word "but..."
This apology reminds me of a funny thing that happened in a psychotherapy session. I sometimes get a little playful with words and images, so when I had a husband and wife in therapy, and every time the wife opened her mouth, she said "but, but, but, but," I said back "you're a 'but' with feet!" She went through the roof, because she thought I called her an ass. I guess I should have watched the way I worded that comment. I wasn't sensitive and got a little too playful at the wrong time.
That example segues into how to apologize correctly.
First of all, you personalize your apology. "I am sorry I hurt you." Anything that is personal is felt more deeply. That needs to grow into "I'm sorry I hurt you by breaking my promise...." or whatever you did.
The third part of the apology occurs when you show you really understand why this was upsetting - you're not only acknowledging that it was upsetting but also why it was upsetting. "I'm sorry I hurt you by breaking my promise to call." You are justifying their being upset. You elaborate on all the hurtful aspects of what you said that you're aware of, and then you again express regret and remorse. "I am so sorry I have hurt you. I take full responsibility. I did this and I regret it. I have remorse. I was being selfish and flighty. I was insensitive."
It's really then important to express some desire to make amends. Discuss what you are going to do inside your heart, soul, life, mind, and habits to make sure it doesn't happen again. And repeat your apology as often as needed, especially for bigger wounds.
After things have settled down, and some time has gone by, you might want to talk about some mitigating circumstances, but in general, I wouldn't suggest you go in that direction until the pain has subsided to a much lower level. And don't use the excuse "I had a few too many drinks." You still did what you did.
If you are going to apologize, make it sincere or don't bother. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

address for quiz scoring

  For some reason the web address I put in the previous post didn't show up.

I'll try again.
http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm

Self-knowledge leads to AhHa!! moments.


Last Week I found this quiz while searching for something else.  I took the quiz and then have thought a lot about how the quiz is set up and what interesting factors led to the writing of the quiz. I think most of us enjoy the simplicity of being able to categorize someone.  I think that most people will be or are reluctant to take this quiz because of the negative connotation in the word Narcissistic. But that word is just another label or category to help us make sense of people and the world.  I dare you to take the quiz!! :-) and tell me what your score is. You find your score by going to page it scores it for you.

Personality Quiz



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Instructions: Here you'll find a list of 40 statements, one in Column A and the opposite in Column B. For each statement, choose the item from Column A or B that best matches you(even if it's not a perfect fit). Complete the quiz on your own and in one sitting, which takes most people between 5 and 10 minutes to finish. In most browsers, you can click anywhere on the item to choose it (you do not have to click in the radiobox itself). Answer all questions for the most accurate result.
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I am a  year old  / 

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